TO ALL THE WONDERFUL FRONTLINE STAFF OUT THERE, NURSES, COUNCIL WORKERS OR ANYONE WHO HAS TO DEAL WITH CUSTOMERS/CLIENTS AND THE GREAT GENERAL PUBLIC, THIS IS MY GIFT TO YOU. IT’S THE LETTER YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO WRITE TO THE ONE TOSSER WHO MAKES IT THEIR LIFE’S MISSION TO MAKE YOUR WORKING DAY MISERABLE. FRONTLINERS, I SALUTE YOU…..please feel free to copy n paste.
Dear Mr Pottymouth
As this is my last day at Paydlittle District Council I would like to take this opportunity thank you for your feedback on our service.
Over the years my colleagues and I have been inspired by your keen observations and thoughtful insight into how we manage our service and have often been left swooning in awe by the breadth of your knowledge on the workings of the public sector.
I understand that you were occasionally disappointed by the service you received but I am happy to say if it wasn’t for your insightful feedback we never would have realised that we were “just a bunch of wankers” and made such fantastic improvements to our service. Prior to your motivational advice Mr Pottymouth, I am ashamed to say that staff at Paydlittle DC did little else but sit in the office with our feet up on the desks, playing on Facebook, swigging cans of lager and ignoring the phones, but thanks to your enlightening comments, in which you referred to us as “a load of idle twats” we have since cut our lunch breaks down to 6 minutes and banned toilet breaks. I want you to know that when you spoke Mr Pottymouth, Paydlittle DC listened.
I would also like to thank you personally for the positive effect your feedback has had on our service managers. You may be pleased to know that my line manager likened your wit and insight to that of Gore Vidal when you offered her the opportunity to re-think current working practice with your thought provoking suggestion to “sort this fuckin’ place out or I’ll be back here to fuck you up”. There’s nothing like a threat to “kick [someone’s] fuckin’ head in” to make a person re-think their management style. Your feedback was also greatly appreciated by the HR manager who attended a number of leadership courses after your considered observation that “he couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery”. You’ll be pleased to know that he has now been given the challenging responsibility of organising the staff Christmas party. Not quite a Brewery, I know, but thanks to you he is on his way to better things.
With regard to your complaint about waiting times, I do understand how frustrating it must be have been for you to have to wait 7 minutes to be seen by a member of staff. I am aware of how busy you must be considering the length of the queues in Bargain Booze, and there are always a few puppies that need kicking, so I can appreciate how you felt the need to inform our Administrator, Jane, that you would come back and smash her face in when she added to your wait by misplacing your file. In fact I was empathising with your painful experience the other night as I was watching a programme on the plight of the child war victims in Uganda. Yes, they may have been mutilated and had to watch their parents be murdered in front of them but come on, I thought, that’s nothing compared with the agony endured by Mr Pottymouth as he waited for that file to appear? I just hope that you will find it in your heart to accept this apology and that it goes some way to easing the seemingly endless suffering you must have experienced because of Jane’s thoughtless ineptitude.
I know that you have often been keen to express your frustration with the complex bureaucracy that pervades our services at Paydlittle District Council and I agree, it may sometimes appear that we are indeed “talking bollocks”. It must be difficult for you to understand the constantly changing procedures in any workplace considering that the last time you had a job you were paid in Groats, but let me assure you that these changes are necessary if we are to consistently improve our services. For example, following your recent complaint that Paydlittle DC is ”a pile of shit” we decided to make a number of improvements to our customer services department. In addition to the Indian head massage and pedicure service that is now enjoyed by customers in the reception area we have decided to implement an arse wiping service so that even the act of defecating can be a positive experience for our customers. I hope you agree Mr Pottymouth, that here at Paydlittle DC, we truly do love to serve.
And while we are on the subject of your intuitive suggestions, I would like to thank you for consistently reminding us that you are “fuckin’ skint” and therefore unable, through no fault of your own, to attend appointments on time. Following your proposition that “if you [we] want you here, you [we] can fuckin’ pay for it” we used the last team meeting to suggest taking some money out of the Disabled Facilities budget to arrange for a golden carriage drawn by 4 white horses – replete with angelic children to scatter rose petals in its path – to collect you from your home but unfortunately the cutbacks have prevented it. I hope that you are not too disappointed. If you wish to complain about this you can always follow PDC’s complaints procedure, again. Since your previous 4 formal complaints we have improved our procedure considerably. We have managed to get the staff time down to 9 hours – and only £4000 of taxpayers money- to prepare for each tribunal and that’s all thanks to you. I know that you felt that you were unfairly treated at the last tribunal and that it was not in any way your fault that you were unable to communicate your displeasure coherently due to the copious amount of White Lightening cider that you had consumed on the wall outside the office, but do not let that deter you. As you know, at Paydlittle DC, we pride ourselves on our listening skills.
Whilst staff here at Paydlittle District Council are overwhelmed with gratitude for your contribution to the improvement of Council services, we cannot, on this occasion, meet with your innovative suggestion to remove all black and Asian people from our workforce. Paydlittle District Council operates an Equal Opportunities Policy both in the recruitment of staff and our working practice. I know that this must be a difficult concept for you to understand given that every time you look in a mirror you are confronted with nothing less than a perfect specimen of your own superior race. I understand that you may be disheartened by our decision not to “send them back” for I am sure that you could indeed, as you so eloquently put it, and I quote, “do their job spinning on [your] cock”. I can sympathise with your predicament for I can’t understand either, how someone with your incredible interpersonal skills, extensive vocabulary and beer stained tracksuit can’t get a job. And no, I don’t believe for one second that not knowing your own date of birth is an indicator of a low IQ. It’s a mistake anyone could make whilst under the influence of marijuana.
To help ease your disappointment, and in gratitude for your outstanding contribution to public service over the years, the staff at Paydlittle Disctrict Council have had a whip round to send you on an all-inclusive holiday to Syria. I realise that you will have not heard of this place as the furthest you have travelled from your hole, sorry, home, is Burger King so in case you are wondering, it is just outside London. I enclose the one-way ticket.
Happy Holidays Mr Pottymouth,
Your loyal servant.